What this Historic Day Means

As I sat here on the hot sofa reading my volunteer manual for the Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum Complex, the breaking news was being announced. I stopped in my tracks and pumped up the volume on the television. I was already emotional in anticipation, and as the ruling was announced, I burst into tears: SAME-SEX MARRIAGE LEGAL NATIONWIDE. I never thought I would be alive to see this day, for this movement caught fire much faster than I could have ever imagined. I also cried because my partner is not here in the States to celebrate this moment with me.

What does it mean to me and my future husband? Human dignity. For us in the LGBT community, we have been denied the right to live the same existence as heterosexual couples in marriage. No more.

However, this is just the beginning. Just like millions of other LGBT Americans, I will celebrate this epic moment in history. But I know that more challenges await us. Even with desegregation and emancipation, we have evidence, as a result of Charleston, that racial equality is still a fight in which we all need to engage. As a southerner, racism is not over. You can see it in the way several people talk, move, and act around Black Americans. Covert and overt, it’s still loud and clear we have work to do. In the LGBT community, we still have the issue of work place discrimination and equal benefits. In many states, we can be fired on the spot just for being LGBT, regardless of how outstanding our job performance may be. This battle to rectify this wrong will need to be strong and louder than the voices calling us the “Gay Reich.”

Back on April 27, I wrote something very personal about the importance of the SCOTUS ruling and what it personally means to me. I did not blog about it, but instead, I posted it on Facebook. I want to post it here as a message of something from which we, as a society, can learn. It has been my journey and a call to social conservatives to understand our goal. So, here you go….

An Open Letter to the Public, Supreme Court, and Social Conservatives

“The group that owns history possesses the power to impose their worldview or reality upon less powerful groups.” – Derald Wing Sue

Dear Supreme Court, Public, and Social Conservatives:

I am writing a day early because tomorrow, April 28, 2015 is an important day for more than one reason. I have so many thoughts and convictions about the day, and as much as I want everyone to agree with me (don’t we all), I know that is not possible. Many will, and several will not, including family. But this is important to vocalize. I am a southerner by birth, growing up in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. My family ranges from Pentecostal to Southern Baptist, and we in my immediate family spent a few years as Mormons. During my childhood in the 1980s, it was common to hear my family sing high praises for conservative politicians, conservative values, and Christianity as a focal point in the heart of what mattered most to them. Marching to that tune, I was also witness to some of them belittling others with racial slurs, and some even told of how they had lynchings in the front yard. Meanwhile, I befriended kids of all faiths, races, and nationalities. My best friends were Chinese, Mexican-American, Mexican, Vietnamese, biracial, French, Danish, insecure, American, Jewish, Muslim, Armenian, adopted, of various intelligences and special needs, Afghan, African, African-American, straight, gay, lesbian, Argentine, Christian, obese, skinny, Atheist….and at times, I recall the impact of my family dropping “N” bombs and other racially and ethnically-derogatory words. Imagine how that felt to a gay kid.

Now imagine if that was any different from hearing and experiencing gay slurs targeted at yourself. I grew up in a then, small, predominately white suburb where the high school mascot was the Fighting Farmer. I faced discrimination everyday, and it was traumatizing. I had a family member who bullied me and called me “faggot” at home, and kids at school thought it was cool to follow suit on a daily basis for years. Of course, I’ll never forget the science teacher and coach say in the hallway of my high school twenty years ago that he wished that “God would put all fags on a boat and ship them off to an island.”  Or how about one high school peer shoving another gay peer into his locker and calling him a “fucking faggot” right before me and how afraid I was to say or do anything, for doing so would bring back the constant, daily bullying I had received all through elementary and middle school? Or how I will never forget that morning in 7th grade when my worst bully walked up to me one morning in the cafeteria, proudly called me “FAGGOT!” and spat in my face, while I was minding my own business reading. Sounds a lot like a Pennsylvania high school just the week before last. Sounds a lot like the experience of LGBT teens whom lack a network of support and take their own lives. Thankfully, I remember how my brothers used their popularity to creatively put an end to these cruel acts from my peers. Yet, the damage had been done when those bullies’ messages were to stay closeted and hide my identity. I lived in denial, and I did my best to hide myself by dating girls. Despite all of that, I know I could have had it much worse. Yes, something worse than the torture I grew up knowing as normal. That is not being true to life and noway to live.

Things did get better. As I grew up, I continued to expose myself to other cultures. Right before my senior year of high school, I made the brave decision to come out to my mom and Pop. I received love and acceptance from both of them. Granted, Mom said she knew I was gay from the moment I was born and always looked for ways to support me emotionally, and later on, my biological dad said he also knew I was gay from the second I came into this world. Life was a little rough when my Pop aimed to get me into Boy Scouts. Before I even came out, he tried as hard as he could to change me, so I would not have to face the daily torture. He wanted me to be tough, but I was sensitive. Eventually, he realized that his tactic to change me and toughen me up was not working. I would not change, and he accepted me as gay…unconditionally. It was then that I fully accepted him into my life as well.

With these positive responses to my self-acceptance and truth, I went away to college, one that was known for being openly accepting to LGBT individuals. I traveled the globe, learned Spanish and Portuguese, lived abroad, lost my Portuguese, and continued to expose my mind to the world. All the while, I was loving my diverse group of friends, and people saw that I was no different than them. Shoot, all my friends in college were of another race, both sexes, and straight. I was the only “homosexual.” I followed, and continue to be, an avid fan of sports. I admit that I was more privileged than most kids. My undergraduate degree was paid for by my parents, and when my Pop passed away at the age of 50, he left me a fund to get my master’s degree and take a sabbatical. He encouraged me to continue traveling the world and to tell my story to help others, after I had already studied and lived in Argentina. I never got a loan, but I did earn a scholarship…albeit a small one. He provided everything I needed from the time I was three.  

That’s right. Pop was not my biological father. He never had biological children of his own. He married my mother and her three sons. They were both 25, with kids of ages 8, 6, and 3,where I was the baby of the bunch at three, and he considered us as his own children. He hated sports, was a picky eater (while the rest of us were more adventurous), and was part owner of a small, family business. He was a Republican. 

As a confused child, however, I rejected him, and honestly, he had a bit of a temper for many years. One time, he punched a hole in the wall over a Wendy’s burger, where they mistakenly put all the toppings on it. The verbal outrage could be frightening, but he never called me the notorious F word. This man evolved through therapy. As he worked on his issues and I worked on mine, we eventually blossomed and connected as father and son, especially after my coming out. He valued my love for culture and travel, and it is something we shared. He loved traveling to Costa Rica, and I was all over Europe and South America. In fact, he surprised me when he conducted his own research for my final-semester project in journalism school– ironically, the gay stereotypes in the media. He handed me a stack of papers he had printed out on the subject. The day I graduated, he drove me by himself to the ceremony. We were able to spend very important, quality time alone. I’ll never forget how we walked along the LBJ Presidential Library, and he announced how proud he was of me. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him. I had no idea how significant this moment would turn out to be. By the time I was graduating from college, my parents’ marriage was in shambles, and we endured a nasty divorce. I stood by my Pop. He stood by me.

Graduation Day in 1999 was the last day my family would be together. I graduated, and a month later, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. My mom went off the deep end, and the divorce was imminent. But as I previously mentioned, I stood by him, as did my brothers, when our mom left our lives. He was left in debt and a state of depression. A few years later, as his cancer progressed, we took a father-son trip to San Francisco. Along our drive in Napa, he finally expressed his own life-long pain. He told me how worthless and useless he felt, ever since he was a child. Immediately, I pulled the car to the side of the road, and I looked at him and said, “Pop, I hear that you feel that your life is worthless and has no meaning, but you mean the world to me. You are not worthless. Your life has meaning. You are worth everything, and you have given me so much. I am proud to call you my dad. I love you!”  He would survive two more years, and just before he went into hospice care at the end, my oldest brother and I drove him out to Dublin, Texas so he could buy 60 cases of Dr Pepper, his favorite. The image of him sitting upfront and me behind him, putting my hand on his shoulder as he struggled to breathe, is forever sketched into my heart. I knew time was ticking. A week later, again, I looked at him in the hospital and pronounced that same love for him that I did in Napa. In the only way he knew how, not being a very affectionate person, he looked at me and kicked my feet, showing me that he loved me too. He could not speak very much, but he did utter the words, “I love you too.” We cried. When he passed on August 26,2004, we handed out the remaining Dr Peppers at his funeral.

Through knowing each other and unconditional love, this one-time socially and fiscally conservative evolved into a supporter of all equal rights, especially gay rights and changing the health care system. He saw how the system was oppressive and hateful. He suffered that whole time we were in San Francisco because he was out of medicine, and California would not refill his interstate prescription. Today, the Justices of the Supreme Court embark on a historic journey in hearing the cases on marriage equality. Today, my Pop would have turned 61. While he was imperfect and wounded, he instilled in me the importance of being genuine. He asked me to use my story – my life – to speak up to educate people and change the world. Knowledge is power, and it is time to create a balance.

The past eleven years have flown since his passing, and we have come to a point in history where the majority of Americans support marriage equality and equal protections for the LGBT community. To the public, I thank you so much for that…from the deepest part of my heart. My Pop has missed this moment in time, and he has missed the chance to meet my boyfriend, whom will soon become my husband this year when we hold our ceremony in a hostile Texas, even though we now live on the East Coast.

To my socially-conservative counterparts, know that I shared just a small piece of my story, and that there are so many more out there. I wonder how much of these beliefs and values you share are a result of misguiding politicians and leaders. I devoted my entire graduate school research to LGBT issues, including being LGBT and religious. Our community includes a wide range of diversity under one umbrella. To understand the differences amongst us in one essay is impossible. As for myself, I am strong as a result of the love and support from my family, but so many in the LGBT community have suffered more extreme psychological trauma from overt statements and acts of violence…and even short, non-verbal acts we call microaggressions (e.g. “That’s so gay,” “Queer,” “Homo,” etc.). These are projections thrown at LGBT citizens on a daily basis, just as racial slurs have been tossed at African-Americans. These have, more often than not, come from the far right politicians and community, whom have added the terms pedophiles, evil, Nazis, liberal fascists, ISIS, and sex-crazed bullies that are destroying society. Think about that. Do you realize that Hitler and the Nazis also committed genocide against gays, so how would we even be Nazis or members of ISIS? When we look at the history of civilization, there is a common thread – religion. It has been the cause of cultural wars throughout time. I have noticed that religious persecution has been the argument used against us, but our forefathers came to this land to escape religious tyranny. That’s the same religious tyranny the LGBT community is standing up against. Now, I am not arguing to ban religion. I am simply arguing against using religion as a weapon. Further, I implore you to learn the facts of pedophilia, sexual abuse and promiscuity. Yes, those do exist in our community, but statistically-speaking, there’s a rather high percentage of each amongst heterosexuals. Know that pedophilia is about control and power, not sexual attraction. 

Now, socially-conservative citizens and politicians tend to argue there is a gay agenda, forcing our views down your throat and making you participate in our “perverted lifestyle.” I am afraid that is giving the LGBT community way too much credit. Somehow there is this false analogy that the fight for equality is forcing you into having gay sex or participate in our ceremony. I do not want you to jump in the sack with me or kiss me, and I am not asking you to be my best man. My life is just as boring and exciting as yours. I go to the movies. I cook dinner. I stay at home with my partner on weekends, caring for our furry children (which my Pop so lovingly referred to our four dogs growing up). I go on vacation. I am a consumer and citizen of the United States. I have spiritual values and beliefs. I am educated and have a master’s degree in counseling, and I read conservative and liberal media. I know this to be true as a result of research and from my experience as a minority. Not ALL Christians and NOT ALL Republicans or conservatives agree that LGBT rights and gay marriage will doom society. I have traveled to twenty countries outside the United States, and I have met, listened to, and built relationships with people of all beliefs around the globe. I have many Republican and Christian friends who support LGBT rights. I went through my own evolution and exposure to more conservative thinkers to understand that this is not a Republican issue any longer, even though the Republican Party has been the launching pad for religious power. When you look at the big picture, the socially-conservative have historically held all the cards in this country. It is a system, and this system has been oppressive, which I say more as a moderate individual. This “gay agenda” is not to hold power over you. Our “agenda” is to stand up and have a voice at the table…and not be dismissed as fifth-class citizens and told by those in power that staying in the closet is acceptable rather than living in a loving, same-sex relationship. Do you know that coming out is not a one-time event? If we choose anything, we choose to come out every time we are introduced to new people and courageously stop using gender-neutral pronouns to conceal our identity and partners, out of fear of being fired, bashed, condemned to hell, or killed. And going back into the closet to please people whom are uncomfortable with us…well, that is far much worse and damaging than living life openly and happily. That closet and rejection is often connected to promiscuity, which is just as likely in a heterosexual. In a lifetime of millions of experiences, the coming out experience becomes frightening, until you reach a point when you cannot allow that to stop you any more, just like Bruce Jenner. I may not have the same experiences as Jenner, nor am I transgender, but I have true admiration for the courage it took for her to come out under such a major spotlight. You see, you have members of our very community on your political side, and thinking as a politician, I wonder if you have asked yourself these very important questions. What am I NOT doing to gain more support? Why am I so uncomfortable with what other people do with their own lives?

Turning your back has fatal consequences. The LGBT community has not enjoyed the same privileges that you have experienced. LGBT teens are committing suicide from the harm that has been spewed in the name of God, and transgender men and women are beaten, tortured, and murdered at high rates. In Texas, homeless, transgender teens rejected by family are refused a place in shelters, so they live on the streets and resort to prostitution to survive. Many of the right-wing faith seem to judge the behavior rather than understand its roots. Many right-wingers apparently think this exclusion, violence and suicide is okay. Otherwise, we would have already had nationwide LGBT protections for hate crimes and discrimination in the work place and health care. In fact, you vote for leaders that pass legislation to welcome such dehumanizing tactics. For example, not allowing my partner to visit me as a family member in the hospital in Texas, should I need to be hospitalized, or to make medical decisions on my behalf. No, he has to be considered a “friend” under the law. Or allowing the RFRA in promoting legalized refusal of LGBT people. These acts, all based on religious beliefs that are truly misguided, manipulated, and misinterpreted views of whom we truly are, are not acceptable or humane, but are the realities we as members of the LGBT community must encounter every day. The reality that you live is not the reality of the vast majority of the world, yet it is imposed upon everyone. Not even the American Dream resolves that issue can alleviate that, unless we give up our values for money and sell our souls to the devil. We are people. We love. We laugh. And God is on our side in this battle. The LGBT “agenda” is to protect lives, and the intolerance you say you see in us is merely a community refusing to be painted as less than you.

I know you fear being marginalized and pushed out by society, which is a very lonely, frightening, and unbearable feeling. I get it. Boy, do I know that feeling! How do you think we have lived? Please, let that simmer for a bit. Your politicians and religious leaders have worked diligently to marginalize us.

Fear is no way to live. This is no attempt to marginalize you and push you out of existence or keep you from practicing your faith. Personally, I do not believe in a God that I should fear. However, I say keep your faith, but clean your lens so that when you do talk to us, see us, and hear us, you may not agree but still see a human deserving of the same shot at life as yourself. I get that for many of you, this feels foreign and is part of a generational gap. I actually find myself sometimes wondering about music and clothing of today’s youth, but I will not support legislation to stop them just because I do not agree with their style or like it. This is a plea for you to listen, love, and let others live. If liberty for all Americans is your voice, then choose inclusion rather than being selective of whom gets to have those liberties. Stop spreading unfounded hate and fear. We already have allies who do not agree with being LGBT, and they are still able to practice their faith….because they practice their love for all people and understand that the Bible and Politics being enmeshed is not how this country was founded.

To the Justices of the Supreme Court, you have a chance to see the humanity that we are as LGBT individuals, being no different from yourselves and the rest of society.  Will legalized marriage simply put an end to discrimination against us? I doubt it. I presume that the separate-but-equal mentality will continue, as evidenced by Texas trying to ban local and state funding to any person whom officiates a same-sex wedding, even if gay marriage should be legalized nation-wide. However, now…today…is the moment to start a positive change, and I know the rest will continue to be a fight, just as civil rights and race continue to be. For the sake of all of humanity, we will not back down and accept the hateful bans. We can’t afford to. We will continue to need to stand up and fight. Starting today, you can change the course of history and time. You cannot change the minds of people – that happens over time, but you can acknowledge the value in our love and in our lives by making same-sex marriage a right under the constitution.

This is a day to celebrate love. I know I am loved by my fiancé, by family, by my mom (now back in my life), by friends, by God, and by my Pop, regardless of their personal beliefs because they see beyond that and know that sexual orientation does not make a person. And personally, I celebrate how one person could evolve, fight for his gay son and leave a lasting legacy for his sons and family. How I would love to have him back and toast to his 61 years!  We all want to leave such legacies. This is a birth day…a very important, and special, birth day, in more than one sense.

To my Pop, with love, honor, and courage. To everyone else, love can’t wait. Live and let live.

#SCOTUS #RightWing #lovecantwait  #marriageequality  #CathieAdams  #BillArmistead  #FranklinGraham  #SenatorSteveKingofIowa  #tedcruz  #HRC  #Texas  #SCOTUS 

Life Shift: Springing Forward

It has finally sprung on me. Not only the spring season but also m-o-t-i-v-a-t-i-o-n. The near 70 temps and the demise of this brutal winter we just endured have me feeling it.

In December, I started to feel bored. While my fiance worked, I began to yearn for a social network of new friends, most often initiated through a career. The transition to the east coast culture and mentality started to feel like a lump in my throat. I’m not a hustler savvy with networking abilities by nature. Yet, this is the life. So at that point, I set out to find teaching or school counseling jobs. After all, I love structure. Consistent and steady is all I have known.

From mid-January to late March, I devoted just about every ounce to finding that magic school. I have applied for approximately 18 different positions, including paraprofessional positions. It has been mind boggling to experience this much competition in the education field. In 12 years as an educator, it has never been this tough. I have relied on my connections to get some interviews, but that has only been three total. Three out of eighteen!

One school was a public, low-performing campus in Newark, teaching bilingual 1st, 2nd, AND 3rd grades in ONE classroom with an immediate start date as of this current school year. My first reaction was “Whoaaa! Three different grades in one room? I don’t know.” But I visited the school for the first interview, and I started to have a great feeling. But then the principal shared that the school is in danger of closing if she doesn’t get the right teachers to help turn it around. Oh, and she wanted to fire a lot of teachers. Yep, she told me that. However, I remained open to seeing where this would go and agreed to the next phase of a second interview with a model lesson. It also had the potential to turn into a bilingual counselor position, but she could not guarantee that, although she felt confident.

I returned about two weeks later after our early March snow storms. But it was kind of frustrating planning for the lesson and not getting replies on what materials would be available. “We don’t interview like this in Texas,” I thought. “We don’t give model lessons. I think it’s a fantastic idea, but it is completely new to me.” Nevertheless, I ordered materials and marched on, planning a math lesson. The lesson went well, even though I was not able to finish it. Afterwards, the assistant principal had me sit in on a mock response to intervention (RtI) meeting. “Eh, this is it?” I felt no vision. No goals. Then I ended with another visit with the principal. Mind you, she had already asked me to “tattle” on some low-performing individuals, and she asked me how the meeting went with those said individuals. I just didn’t feel comfortable being put in that position. I shared respectfully and honestly without compromising my values or damaging any particular teachers. A few days later, I received the call and was offered the position. It was the most enthusiastic exchange I had received from the principal since I started the process.

But it was not the right fit for me, and I knew it. Marco had warned me not to accept the first job that comes along out of desperation. I did not accept it, which shocked her, as the majority of candidates up here take the first job that comes their way. I wanted it to feel like the right place, and with what she had shared with me, it did not feel like the right campus culture. I was okay with returning to the classroom, planning and instructing for three grade levels, working some Saturdays, and hoping that the counseling position would open up. However, I did not want to be someone’s minion, and that spoke louder to me than the positives.

Thankfully, I had two more options. One was a second, face-to-face interview with a KIPP charter school, also in Newark, to teach Spanish. The lesson? Introduce the words rojo and azul to 30 kindergarteners. Now, this was stressful, especially since they wanted to see unit curriculum plan for the year, a data-tracking document, and a detailed lesson plan BEFORE the lesson interview. Never mind the fact that, although I am fully bilingual, I have never taught Spanish as a second language. That is completely different from teaching in Spanish to English Language Learners (ELLs), which I did for ten years in Texas.

No worries! I came up an awesome lesson, and I wanted to make sure they got to see all the content possible. However, I left out a very important aspect in my short 30 minute mock lesson – my classroom management. Oh, it’s something in which I am very strong. I even coached other educators on classroom management. But I think I lost some points in not stressing it enough in my lesson. It wasn’t absent, but it was enough, I believe, to not get the job. I remained excited and hopeful about the position, but I got an email a couple of weeks later. They chose someone else. I was a little bummed, but honestly, I did my best, and I was genuine, honest, and myself during the whole process. I patted myself on the back.

My third option turned out to be a bust, and it was the one I wanted the MOST! A school counselor position at a Brooklyn charter school that focused on teaching ethics and human justice. Well, hello there! I’m extremely ethical in my counseling practices. The phone interview went great! I used my connection to the school (my fiance’s cousin’s nephew’s boyfriend is an assistant principal at the school) to get an interview with one of the head honchos. She only asked me two questions before stopping herself and told me I would be the perfect fit for the school and did not need to complete any more questions but wanted me to come in for a face-to-face interview with the rest of the team. Awesome! We scheduled it for a few days later.

Coincidentally, that very same day, the school received notice from the NYC Department of Education that they would be shut down at the end of this academic year due to low performance and lack of progress. Even with the campus’ peaceful march and protest of the closing, the city would not budge. Strike three!

So after all this, I was not exactly feeling encouraged, as one would imagine. Then I realized that it has not happened yet because the right place is still awaiting me.

The right place, as it turns out, may not even be working at a school. I have reinvigorated myself by shifting my focus back to my hobbies and original idea of tourism. I ordered the Blue Guide New York, and I have been ramped up my goal of taking tours and increasing my social network. Sure, it scares me. Becoming a tour guide and starting my own business or working for a tour guide company is not as structured as I would normally like. I do prefer the known over the unknown.

But when it feels right, it feels right. Two friends agree. Two friends that don’t even know the other. One told me she had imagined me doing tours for quite some time before I even told her. The other – without actually going into details – has many connections in the Dominican community – here and in the DR – and wants to work with me as somewhat of business partners, where she sends tourists to me from the Dominican Republic. I could write another 1,300 words just about this vision, but I won’t. I want to nurture it.

However, it is bringing me so much clarity. I feel like my seven-year-old child self, when I had a world map with push pins of all the countries, cultures and languages I wanted to learn about…back in 1984. I feel like that twenty-something self that walked through Downtown Austin, noticing the Duck Tours going by and thinking to myself, “Hey, I would love do that!”

So now, I’m following that dream. I have created a vision wall that has been tremendously inspirational to me.

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In addition to this shift in focus onto becoming a tour guide and reading up on NYC, I am studying for my sightseeing license exam. Once I pass that, I am licensed and can legally serve as a tour guide in NYC. Furthermore, I am also looking into working as a docent in a museum, and with my experience as an educator and my passion for history and art, I can combine all these hobbies into one, soulful, thirst-quenching career. Granted, regarding museums, I probably need another master’s degree in museum studies or museum education. Tomorrow night, I am attending an open house at Bankstreet College to find out more about a degree in museum education.

Now, I have a third friend who told me she would hate for me to waste my skills as a teacher and counselor. Well, why I know I am good at being a counselor and teacher, and I know the good that I do for kids, it is time to feed my soul. With all that I have done, I just don’t feel like I want to step into another school as a teacher, especially with the emphasis on standardized testing that goes against my philosophy. No, I’m ready for something more. It is still education, and it brings out the little child in me.

Since I gazed endlessly at the world map on my bedroom wall in 1984, I have been to 20 countries and lived in another. I learned Spanish. I hold trivial facts close to my heart. This is the time to explore that. I don’t know all the answers, and I have no experience in business. I can learn that, though. I will. I’m taking a leap and know the net will appear.

Here I go.

Dear American Christians


Dear American Christians,

You need to get a grip, and I am tired of speaking to you politely. You are not being persecuted by being required to serve all customers in your store. If you serve all people in your store, you are simply beingAmerican.

As a fellow Christian, I can assure you, your faith will not be compromised, and God will not be displeased with you, if you make a cake or a pizza for gay people.

What many of you do not seem to realize is that this move for the “religious freedom” laws is designed to appeal to your basest fears. These bills are designed to do one thing, and one thing only: to make you feel offended and afraid that your faith is at stake. But your faith is not at stake. And if you think it is, then your faith is far…

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A Reflection On “A Letter To Christians In Indiana, From Jesus”

Before I get to the letter I found, I first want to talk about what is a pivotal moment in history. We are living in a time of heated political debates circled around a cultural war – progressive thought versus conservative thought, new versus old, in versus out, left versus right. Politicians fight and serve their own interests, and what is often forgotten is the people in the middle, whom I believe make up the majority of the U.S. population. I tend to steer away from political social media debates and posting my political views. Except when it personally impacts me. Such is the case with the Indiana RFRA and my life as a gay man.

The backlash is strong, as evidenced on the Yelp page for Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. Pardon my humored reference, but going to the page feels a lot like I’m watching The Legend of Billie Jean, where both sides are sending the same message found in the movie’s theme song from Pat Benatar:

We can’t afford to be innocent
Stand up and face the enemy
It’s a do or die situation, we will be invincible

And with the power of conviction
There is no sacrifice
It’s a do or die situation
We will be invincible

I’m a person of spirituality and faith but not of religion. I believe that religion mixed with government deteriorates the essence of how this country was founded. Religion, when by itself and nurtured by its individual follower in a private manner, is perfectly fine because it is not forcing the thought onto others. Fighting for equality and same protections for an unprotected class of LGBT citizens is not the same as forcing one’s religion onto the public or denying service in a business based on your personal convictions. While business may be considered private, we are still interacting and exchanging in public in a free market. Now I want to take time to address (not bash) our socially-conservative critics.

By all means, I am not opposed to you sharing your faith and thoughts, but in a loving, tolerant way. I do that with my friends, and we do not always agree. But for years, I have personally experienced hateful remarks and despise from people claiming to be Christian. I experienced discrimination and condemnation from my church as a Mormon (mainly because I did not know the Bible or Book of Mormon), but I am not making a blanket statement that all Mormons are hateful. There are plenty of wonderful, loving Christians not doing this, but unfortunately, my community has been the target of holy bullying, as have other minority groups. It has taken me years of personal growth – for I only have the power to change my reactions and feelings rather than the views of others – to see and understand that many, many Christians and other religions are LGBT allies, and likewise, I know many Republicans who support our cause.

I truly want those opposed to the LGBT cause to understand how difficult it is to wake up and face this daily, public persecution and keep calm but continue to fight. (Note that I am not actually speaking about your belief but rather the actions taken based upon your belief. I support your right to your belief.) Consider this for a moment. Why do you think there are not more minority groups reflected in the same philosophy and convictions as you? For years, my community has tried to sit down and openly discuss our cause with you. That was unsuccessful. If we stand up and fight, we are viewed as a “liberal lynch mob.” Yet, we constantly deal with the far-right politicians spreading fear and lies about who we truly are as human beings. While reading and watching the news reporting about this law, I have noticed defenders of it claim it is not anti-gay and protects all Hoosiers. Well, that is not the message sent and received when we see anti-LGBT lobbyists who authored the bill and were present at it’s signing. I cannot just sit back in the closet to comfort the misguided fear of this covert discrimination.

As a community, we have a lot of pain and anger, because of treatment as second-class citizens and the refusal of those to provide us the same human rights as yourself. But along with that pain and anger, we are strong and will speak the truth to dispel the misperception that we are evil. We tend to use wit and sarcasm in doing that. Granted, I do feel that the LGBT fight can take it a little too far with harsh attacks, just as you as a socially conservative Christian may feel.

My natural tendency is to sit at a table and listen to each other. We seem to be facing off in a battle right now, which makes that table talk appear to be impossible. But it isn’t. I do believe that our mutual actions can be the way to finding a balance. I’m not asking you to believe in my convictions. I possess an abundance of self-awareness and strength in myself as a citizen; however, I do ask that you pause and reflect on the message sent by denying my community essential rights and how that feels, just as you express in feeling persecuted. I am asking that together, we listen and see the value in equality for all, even if you are personally against same-sex marriage and other legal protections. It can be done. It already does exist without you needing to join me in my personal matters in my bed. I may consider myself a Democrat, but on the spectrum, I’m simply in the middle, with a little bit of everything. With that being said, I saw this letter and found it to be the most thought-provoking argument I have seen about this topic. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

john pavlovitz


Dear Christians In Indiana (and those elsewhere, who might read this),

I’ve seen what’s been going on there lately. Actually, I’ve been watching you all along and I really need to let you know something, just in case you misunderstand:

This isn’t what I had planned.

This wasn’t the Church I set the table for.

It wasn’t the dream I had for you, when I spoke in those parables about the Kingdom; about my Kingdom.

It was all supposed to be so very different.

It was supposed to be a pervasive, beautiful, relentless “yeast in the dough” that permeated the planet; an unstoppable virus of compassion and mercy spread person-to-person, not needing government or law or force.

It was supposed to be that smallest, seemingly most insignificant of seeds, exploding steadily and gloriously with the realized potential of my sacred presence, becoming a place of safety and shelter for all people.

It was supposed to be…

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A Gay Dad’s Letter to Gay Teen, Austin Wallis, and the High School That Rejected Him

I try to find the words to refute the extreme hypocrisy of people using Christianity to oppress the LGBTQ community. This father so magnificently stated the obvious about the real hero and outstanding character of Austin Wallis.

evoL =

austin willis evol eq

The world of teens and tweens can be a treacherous one. As the dad to two 12 year olds, I see it as a world where childhood cushions and play have fallen away and new, somewhat complex challenges have emerged. It is a world where peer relationships and socializations are paramount. Independence is practically a life force and hormones seem to be pumping through veins previously filled with sugar and spice. It is a world where kids discover themselves and those discoveries can range from the thrilling to crisis, and sometimes both at the same time.

Adults standing on the sidelines to this whirlwind try our best to lead, nurture and inspire. We try to guide our young charges to being their best, and set themselves up to capture a destiny worthy of the love we cloak them in.

Some adults do this except in the cases where the child…

View original post 1,324 more words

Moving Slow in a Fast-Paced Life

It’s been my observation that although I live in one of the world’s fastest-paced metropolitan areas, life is not as fast as one would think. Ironically, when I pick up the phone to call the State Department of Education, when I drive the car, or when I order food for delivery, everything crawls at a snail’s pace.

But on the streets and in social settings, no one slows down enough to take the time to notice anything. How about the fresh air? The sunshine? Or greeting someone on the street? It’s quite the contradiction when fast and slow are juxtaposed in the same context in and around NYC.

Sometimes the pace is so fast it is isolating and cold. Other times, it exudes peace.
Sometimes the pace is so fast it is isolating, like being left out in the cold. Other times, it exudes peace.

I’ve been walking fast to get places but have been moving slowly to establish my own social network and friends. That was until yesterday.

Being introverted really surprises most people I know. I think the difference is I can push myself toward outgoing, but I had to learn how. I am a very methodical person, but it has served me well in pursuing those experiences that do not come easy or natural to me. That’s what I finally did when it came to finally attending my very first Meet Up event. As nervous as I was, I knew the benefits far outweighed my fears. I met new people. I laughed. I even met other educators. There were other couples there. I did not want to leave. All at a LGBT Board Game event. Why had I waited so long?

After I did leave, I had a smile. A victorious smile on my face that spelled relief. A personal victory that means now I can really set out to do the things I intend to do. I’m attending a seminar next week solely for gay men: Creating Intentional Rituals for Positive Change. It’s right on track with what I am already accomplishing. My intentions are to put myself out there for employment, for spiritual growth, and for living. It seems to be working. I had one potential employer reach out to me and offer a phone interview for next week. That’s a great feeling…especially after people told me that here you don’t call to follow-up with potential employers after submitting your resume and cover letter.

It’s surely a different world in which I live. One that probably would have been ten times more frustrating and discouraging had I tried to look for work immediately upon moving here. This journey has allowed me to live, learn and truly experience this life.

But it still intrigues me just how slow everything is despite the speed of lightning mentality. Or is it the other way around? That’s one I’m still trying to decipher.


My walk started as an internal dance. The grin turned into a smile as my ears buzzed to a remix of Mr. Brightside. Particularly the part when he sang:

Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I’m Mr. Brightside

(Viewed on http://www.metrolyrics.com/mr-brightside-lyrics-the-killers.html)

This song really doesn’t have anything to do with my current life when you think about the content of the lyrics. I am not watching my other half with another man, as the song would suggest. But those three lines were speaking loudly to me yesterday afternoon, as I glanced out the windows of the slow-moving light rail in Hoboken and walked off the train toward my destination – FedEx Office to scan my cover letter.

I felt this sudden energy and spirit within that I think I had been doubting. I was so excited and fearless about the possibility of this position for which I was about to apply. So excited that the internal dance busted out into an external one. No, I didn’t actually start dancing, but my spirit did. I erupted into that peaceful smile.

For a while, I had been asking about what it means to hustle for work up here. Well, at this particular moment yesterday in Hoboken, with Mr. Brightside by my side, I realized that destiny is calling. My eager eyes are wide open, and I am in the groove. I feel traction now. I feel that I have nothing to lose. I’m taking chances on positions that I otherwise might not have considered.

This morning offered some more welcoming news. I finally got some solid answers regarding my New York State teaching and counseling certifications. I have been in the process for a year now. A YEAR! And every time I have called or emailed…and called again…to ask why this or that did not transfer from my Texas certificates, or even told that it would but it did not…I got different answers. Or even “I don’t know.” Someone today took the time to slow down and explain the procedures and what was missing…in a way that was clear and streamlined, unlike all the other attempts. Now, I still have about a million hoops to bounce through, but that’s okay because now I KNOW.

Doubt can be a part of a sabbatical, but so is clarity. It’s clear to me that this sabbatical is guiding me in the direction I need to go. I’m here. I’m good. I’m taking risks. And most of all, I have momentum.

Thank you, Mr. Brightside!

hustle /ˈhʌs(ə)l /

I remember when we first moved here, my neighbor said that I was too nice and that I’d be eaten up by the culture here. I thought nothing of it. Then during the past month, I began to wonder, “Is she right?” Am I fitting in? I’ve noticed that just about everyone I do meet is part of being a couple and in a professional setting with my fiance. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this lately, and I realized that I need my own identity and my own friends. Those are the things that come naturally, and work helps with that.

Marco told me before and recently again that to get work here, I have to hustle. What does that even mean? Do I have it? How does it work? I don’t enjoy marketing myself. With frustration over my certification in New York still looming a year after I initiated the process, I feel I could use a coach.

I found that the Oxford Dictionary defines hustle as:

[no object, with adverbial of direction] Push one’s way; bustle

Sell aggressively

North American informal Move or act quickly.
As I settle into this new life in Jersey/NYC, I’m beginning to become aware of my own anxiety about landing a job. For a while, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to continue my education career as a teacher or school counselor. But I find myself missing it. Maybe I just needed a break to gain some perspective. Now that I am here in the city, there’s much more competition. I know I have what it takes, but I’m reminded by my fiance that hustling is the key.
Being from Texas, that’s not necessarily who I am. I don’t like to market myself to potential employers in general, and to have to do that in a place where there seems to be ten times more competition is a bit intimidating. So I literally want to know…how does one hustle? What does it take?
No, I’m not talking about swindling or illicit activity. How do I push myself forward? My best estimate to start would be exuding confidence. Check. So tell me…what are the other keys?
This hustling phenomena led me to take a little a sabbatical from my sabbatical during the holidays. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how much I was self-accomplishing by blogging. Instead, I started focusing my efforts on work and cutting back on spending. Especially since I have yet to sell my condo back in Dallas. Even though my adventures have been spiritually rewarding, they don’t exactly pay the bills. I have applied in two districts and initiated contact in a third. But with little feedback and many times going in circles or unable to follow up, reality is sinking in where I’m feeling maybe I’m a little out of my league in this harsh culture. Things aren’t as streamlined here, and my friendly, Texas smile isn’t going to magically land me a job. It’s trying to even meet people and make new friends. At times, it feels a bit lonely, despite these great adventures. I joined MeetUp to help, but the truth is I’m an introvert, which is shocking to many since I appear so outgoing. Deep inside, I’m very much a thinker and analyze my interactions. I prefer for others to take the lead and initiate. I have a hard time stepping out. The funny thing is I have done it before. I lived in Argentina and went back to Argentina all alone. I can do it. I just feel stuck at the moment.
If this feels gloomy, it’s not intended to. I know there is a growing pain to such a big change in life and relocating. By putting this out there into the universe, I’m hoping to become unstuck and find that spark. I want it. I need it. I have it. I will find it…within me.